Monday, October 19, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck..........
Yeah, sorry. Things just ain't workin' out here, or there, or anywhere.
I honestly keep considering the "easy" option. That'd be the one where I take a SHITLOAD of pills and call it a day. No one cares, or understands, or can offer any advice.
I came here to Portland (1000 miles) hoping to make a fresh start of things, but it isn't going very well.
There is nowhere in the world for me to be happy. I have been through , what, like, 22 years (?) of stinking HELL, and the only thing keeping me even halfway sane is my sense of humour, and that has worn very thin.
My buddy offered to let me and the wife come here, but since I arrived I have had like maybe three decent nights sleep.
The kid, their kid, drives me fuckin' nuts. I don't even know what to say on that matter. Understandably it's a touchy issue. Let's just say she gets away with murder compared to ANY child I have known (bearing in mind that I have made it a point to avoid children for most of my life). She does things that are at best, unsafe, and at worst, potentially deadly. If you don't give the kid her way, she throws a fucking fit, yet if I even suggest, as carefully as I can, that she's, lacking discipline (spoiled), well... as I said, a touchy issue.
I'm ready to pack my shit and get the hell out of here. My wife can do what she wants- I don't care.
I don't have enough gas to get out of the county probably, so what do I do? Having not slept properly in over three months, I don't think I'm thinking all that clearly.
I'm just so goddamned sick of it all.
Thanks for listening.
I honestly keep considering the "easy" option. That'd be the one where I take a SHITLOAD of pills and call it a day. No one cares, or understands, or can offer any advice.
I came here to Portland (1000 miles) hoping to make a fresh start of things, but it isn't going very well.
There is nowhere in the world for me to be happy. I have been through , what, like, 22 years (?) of stinking HELL, and the only thing keeping me even halfway sane is my sense of humour, and that has worn very thin.
My buddy offered to let me and the wife come here, but since I arrived I have had like maybe three decent nights sleep.
The kid, their kid, drives me fuckin' nuts. I don't even know what to say on that matter. Understandably it's a touchy issue. Let's just say she gets away with murder compared to ANY child I have known (bearing in mind that I have made it a point to avoid children for most of my life). She does things that are at best, unsafe, and at worst, potentially deadly. If you don't give the kid her way, she throws a fucking fit, yet if I even suggest, as carefully as I can, that she's, lacking discipline (spoiled), well... as I said, a touchy issue.
I'm ready to pack my shit and get the hell out of here. My wife can do what she wants- I don't care.
I don't have enough gas to get out of the county probably, so what do I do? Having not slept properly in over three months, I don't think I'm thinking all that clearly.
I'm just so goddamned sick of it all.
Thanks for listening.
A bad case of the "fuck-it's"
Not feelin' so great today.
In fact I'm hating my existence. Today is my father's birthday. He probably hardly even knows it though. Almost precisely a year ago, he suffered some sort of cardiac event, which stopped his heart, and breathing, thus screwing up his brain/memory.
He just got secretly shuttled to San Jose California to stay with his sister, my aunt, who is taking care of him. He had been in a treatment facility in Florida, but all they did (for 5,000 dollars a month) was to let him sleep for the most part. My aunt figured, hell, he could do that at home, and for free.
Any way, that's not what has me down. It's the Portland employment situation, my health (or lack thereof) and our finances (non-existent). We can afford maybe two packs of cigarettes, or a half-tank of gas and then we're busted-FLAT busted.
My wife just got an interview at, of all places, a fucking sex shop. We do that tomorrow. And there went the gas in the tank. I just popped two and a half pain pills, just because. There are indeed times I consider taking a lot more than that. A LOT more.
Life goes on, and on, and on, and...it just never really gets any better it seems.
Them pills ought to be kickin' in here soon, and then with any luck, I wont give a shit about anything.
In fact I'm hating my existence. Today is my father's birthday. He probably hardly even knows it though. Almost precisely a year ago, he suffered some sort of cardiac event, which stopped his heart, and breathing, thus screwing up his brain/memory.
He just got secretly shuttled to San Jose California to stay with his sister, my aunt, who is taking care of him. He had been in a treatment facility in Florida, but all they did (for 5,000 dollars a month) was to let him sleep for the most part. My aunt figured, hell, he could do that at home, and for free.
Any way, that's not what has me down. It's the Portland employment situation, my health (or lack thereof) and our finances (non-existent). We can afford maybe two packs of cigarettes, or a half-tank of gas and then we're busted-FLAT busted.
My wife just got an interview at, of all places, a fucking sex shop. We do that tomorrow. And there went the gas in the tank. I just popped two and a half pain pills, just because. There are indeed times I consider taking a lot more than that. A LOT more.
Life goes on, and on, and on, and...it just never really gets any better it seems.
Them pills ought to be kickin' in here soon, and then with any luck, I wont give a shit about anything.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Portland
I'm so fucking happy to be out of Temecula (CA) I can't tell you.
However, the job hunting has been somewhat discouraging to say the least. The wife was hoping that her 22 years of bookstore experience would make landing a job at (The world famous) Powell's Books a cinch. To date, she has had three interviews with Powell's and no bites. I have had even less luck than her. All job applications are done online these days, so you fill out an application, and shoot it off into the void, and then hope to get a response. There are so many people looking for work right now that it's rough for someone like me, with little experience, I mean, some retail, some food service, but being a songwriter (with writer's-block no less) and an aspiring animator, prospects are not so shiny.
I did finish a song, and that's pretty impressive I guess. I'll share it with you now:
So, there.
However, the job hunting has been somewhat discouraging to say the least. The wife was hoping that her 22 years of bookstore experience would make landing a job at (The world famous) Powell's Books a cinch. To date, she has had three interviews with Powell's and no bites. I have had even less luck than her. All job applications are done online these days, so you fill out an application, and shoot it off into the void, and then hope to get a response. There are so many people looking for work right now that it's rough for someone like me, with little experience, I mean, some retail, some food service, but being a songwriter (with writer's-block no less) and an aspiring animator, prospects are not so shiny.
I did finish a song, and that's pretty impressive I guess. I'll share it with you now:
“NOW HERE I AM”
David P Cohen Jr/Vic Demise
Never gonna be what you want to be
not until you want to be you
And all the disappointment that's haunted me
isn't even close to the truth
And I don't really know when it dawned on me
maybe when I wrote this tune
The only thing that ever belonged to me... ...and that would be the moment
-and I don't even own it
Now I've gone and blown it
the moment's passing
I think of all the people I used to be
and I don't even know who I am
Guess I'm gonna be who I choose to be
Trouble is I've got no plans
Now I'm the only one that's abusing me
cause I'm the only one who can
Try to keep ahead of what used to be... ...and focus on the moment
but I can never hold it
Now I've gone and blown it
the moment's passing
and I don't want to be here now
No I- don't want to be here now
Now here I am
Better not to think about history
Shouldn't oughtta waste any time
Tomorrow is an unsolved mystery
Try to keep your mind on your mind
Nothin' more elusive than this to me
think about it now and you'll find
what a dirty mind-fuck your bliss can be... ...living in the moment
like you've never known it
Suddenly you've blown it
the moment's passed
and I don't want to be here now
No I- don't want to be here now
Now here I am
Intro/Chorus:
G#maj7-D7 G#maj7-D7
G#7 G7
Verse A:
Dm-Cm D#m-G Dm-Cm D#m-G
Dm-Cm D#m-G Dm-Cm D#m-
Verse B:
G Bm F C
G Bm F C
So, there.
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